She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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