Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
