She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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