tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
