Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
