...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED