i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage