Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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