i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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