the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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