News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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