first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
