The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
