my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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