I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
