Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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