I just pynch a tree in the face
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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