Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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