Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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