i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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