My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
