So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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