You made me cry and you don't even care
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
