I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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