At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
