WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
