Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
