Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
