apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Green mimosas i think yes
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
