Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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