my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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