just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
