I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
