I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
