Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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