I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
