I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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