I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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