trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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