my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
