you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
