Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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