Need sex. Gaining weight.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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