I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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