Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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