In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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