she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
