Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
