You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
