it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
