Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
