i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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