this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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