Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
