Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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