My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
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Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
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Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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