Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
